Goalkeeper: Mark Crossley or Simon Royce - no thanks. Most fans would rather see their clubs go into debt than sign either of these two freebie flops. There can only be one choice and that has to be Neil Sullivan, who has my instant respect for ousting the countries most over rated bryl cream wearing goalkeeper, Ian Walker. Keeping the bench warm in case of emergencies would be the brilliantly named Pegguy Arphexad.

Defence: In a George Graham stylee, to succeed in the top flight you must build from the back, but as you will see there is very little defensive choice on the free transfer market. German international Marcus Babbel has to be in the X1 simply because of his proven track record at club and International level. Though, he will have to defend a lot better than he did in Euro 2000, when even Alan Shearer managed to loose him and score. Next up has to be veteran Nigel Winterburn. He may be 37, very annoying and lacking in skill, but he has a large amount of experience that will see any team through troubled times, only if it is for one season. Now I’m starting to really scrap the barrel because my budget of nothing is restricting my options greatly. I have chosen David Burrows out of necessity rather than choice. He guarantees a steady if not spectacular season after a number of years in the top-flight with Liverpool, Everton and Coventry. My forth choice demonstrates my extreme desperation because I can find no one better than ex-Barnsley defender Nicky Eaden. With this defence I don’t imagine the words clean sheet would enter the managers vocabulary.

Midfield: Moving on to the midfield, which will need experience, grit, flair and youthful enthusiasm. This maybe asking for too much, but surly it can’t be worse than my pathetic back four? Firstly, the central figure of the midfield and captains armband goes to another geriatric, Gary McAllistar. The goal scoring midfielder, and we all know how hard they are to find, will lead by example and hopefully not get sent off on his full debt! Call me stupid, call me nostalgic, but I don’t care, Paul Gascoigne will return to his former glories. I think a hungry Gazza, no not for kebabs, would lift any team and provide supporters with a real legendary figure. Of course, it could all backfire if we see a return of the fat, slow and petulant Gazza we all love to hate - fingers crossed Walter. “What about the youthful enthusiasm” I hear you cry, well how about the tricky ex-Tranmere man Alan Mahon. The undoubted talent and potential he demonstrated in last seasons cup runs was noticed by European giants Sporting Lisbon, where he will be hoping to move on to greater heights - see you back in the first division next season then Alan. The final piece in my midfield quartet is wide man Allan ‘Magic’ Johnston. Contractual differences with Sunderland have hampered his development, but a new start for the player could see him return to his best spell binding form. Sitting on the bench in case McAlillistar and Gascoigne have heart attacks, are the wonderfully average players Michael Thomas and Paul Okon.

Forwards: George Weah and Davor Suker has to be one of the most dangerous forward lines the Premiership has ever seen Well it sounds good, but in reality it would have been a hell of a lot better five years ago. Man City and West Ham will be praying that these two legends can reproduce the form that has made them house hold names around the world. Some sceptics have suggested that these older stars come to England simply to pick up fat paycheques - and their probably right. Belgian international Luc Nilis and the unfulfilled talent of Kevin Gallen could come into the team should Weah and Suker decide they can’t be bothered to play.

Verdict: This team may look strong on paper in certain areas, but most of the free transfers this summer have been oldies who are quite clearly trying to collect as much money as they can before they retire. So all I have to say to Luther and Janet is that not all the best things in life are free - give me the £40m Figo any day.