Q: What have David James and Michael Jackson got in common?
A: They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What's the difference between Ian Walker and a taxi driver?
A. A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.

Q: What's the difference between Joey Beauchamp and Marks & Spencer?
A: You always get a full refund on unwanted goods at Marks & Spencer.

Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have a common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What is the difference between a Manchester United Fan and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

Q: Whats the difference between a Man Utd fan and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

David Ginola = Vagina dildo

Teddy Sheringham = Teddy Minge rash

Ossie Ardiles = Arse is soiled

Diego Maradona = O dear, I'm a gonad

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Manchester United Fan from Manchester and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £50 note. Who gets it?

A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythical creatures.

Thieves broke into Doncaster Rovers Belle Vue ground and stole all of the players football boots. £4000 worth of footwear was taken, and the Doncaster players are desperately trying to break in new boots for their game against Rushden and Diamonds at the weekend.

Q: Why do Arsenal fans whistle on the loo
A: So they know what end to wipe.

Q: What do you say to an employed Arsenal fan?
A: Can I have a Big Mac please.

Q: Why did George Graham go to Argos...?
A: It's the only place he could pick up Premier points.

Q: How many Tottenham fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they're all happy living in the shadows…

Q: Why did David Beckham get excited after he took three months to complete a jigsaw?
A: Because on the box it said "from 2-4 years".

Mark Overmars has announced his all time best team. The names of Gullit, Laudrup, Van Basten and Cruyff are no suprise. Although, the name of STEVE BOULD is. Nice one Mark - how much did Bouldy pay you?

Only 9,093 fans turned up to watch Inter Milan draw 0-0 with Vitesse Arnhem in the UEFA Cup. Not bad for a stadium that has a capacity of 80,000. You can't beat those loyal and fanatical Italian fans - I'd say they were some of the best supporters in the world!

Brazilian midfielder Denilson managed to cause a mass brawl and get himself sent off in the recent game between Flamengo and Argentinean side Velez Sarsfield.

With Flamengo winning 2-0 Denilson ran at the Velez defence beckoning the defenders to come and get the ball off him. This show of arrogance obviously didn't go down to well, and the Velez players quickly let him know what they thought of his antics.

This is not the first time the little Brazilian has goaded the opposition. He caused another scene when he started juggling the ball in the centre circle during a game, and again he was kicked and chased by the opposition, before being sent off.

Leeds keeper Paul Robinson is the reason why we have to endure boy band Westlife, according to The Sun.

Westlife member, Nicky Burne, was first choice youth team goalkeeper at Leeds until Paul Robinson ousted him from his number one spot. Burne then decided to try his luck as a pop star after losing his place, and that was when Westlife was born - Thanks very much Paul.

On Figo's return to Barcelona he was pelted with vegetables and bottles when taking corners. Eventually he was banned from taking any corners, but he still had to listen to the Nou Camp chanting "This Portuguese, he is a whore." Oh and just to make his day his new team Real Madrid also lost.

Brazilian legend Pele, who has just turned 60, has warned that he could, with a little training, play half a game for the national team.

In Paulo Di Canio's book he describes the incident that saw him sent off for pushing ref Paul Alcock. Arsenal full-back Nigel Winterburn, who is now a team mate of Di Canio's at West Ham, comes in for some stick - he says Winterburn was "yapping like one of those hyperactive dogs and the next minute wetting his pants in fear. And to think all I did was look at him".

First there was Emerson's wife who said: " It was always windy or raining. The food was terrible. I cried all night."

Then there was Ravanelli who said Middlesbrough was unclean and unsafe for his child.

Now there is Christian Karembeu's wife Adriana Sklenarikova who says of Boro: "I don't like the food. I hate the weather. It's not the most beautiful city in the world, but we live out in the countryside so it's OK."

I'm sure Middlesbrough is not that bad. All that industry must be really beautiful!

Whilst Everton were losing to Bristol Rovers in the Worthington Cup a couple of weeks ago, Paul Gascoigne was wandering around the Rovers dressing room.

He was caught in the act by Rovers kit man, James Brown, who asked Gazza what he was doing. His response was: "I'm looking for a sandwich".

Forfar player Dave Bowman received four red cards in their 5-3 defeat to Berwick at the weekend. The 40 year old got his marching orders for two bookings, but after the match he gave the referee such a mouthful that he was given a further three red cards for foul and abusive language.

Bowman said: "I admit I lost my head, but only because the referee was so appalling."

A Manchester United fan's wife gets on to the bus holding her 3 week old baby... The bus driver says 'Jesus Christ love, you're baby is the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman pays her fare and goes off and sits up the back of the bus almost in tears. A man says to her 'What's up, love?'... 'The bus driver has just been very rude rude to me back there...'

The man replies: 'Although you are a Manc, you shouldn't let him get away with that, I reckon you should go and say something, after all he is a public servant, he can't do that to you...' She says: 'I will then, I'm off'...

The man says 'Do you want me to hold your monkey...?!'...

An Arsenal fan is jumping up and down on the railway line chanting "...thirteen, thirteen, thirteen..." when a Tottenham fan comes over and asks him what he's doing. The Arsenal fan tells him it's fun, and invites him to try, so he does... upon this a high speed train zooms past at 100 miles an hour killing the Tottenham fan stone dead.

The Arsenal fan carries on jumping on and off the rail chanting "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

Woking boss Colin Lippiatt was completely fooled by a player claiming to be Gifton Noel-Williams. The hoaxer managed to convince Lippiatt into offering him a non-contract deal, and he very nearly got the chance to play against non-league high flyers Rushden and Diamonds.

The red faced manager only realised his mistake after he noticed the trickster had signed his registration form "Gifton E Williams". When he confronted the player the next day, all he said to justify his actions was that he was a school friend of Noel-Williams.

Paraguay Keeper Jose Luis Chilavert scored from a free-kick as his team beat Colombia 2-0 in a World Cup Qualifier at the weekend.

"I'm not a person who goes into a deep depression after a defeat." Kevin Keegan in his Wembley programme notes for the clash with Germany.